Saturday, October 22, 2011
On Friday October 14 we found out that our little baby had died. I had some bleeding and not wanting to wait 5 days to get an ultrasound to see what was going on I went to the hospital. I had an ultrasound a few hours later. My mom was able to baby sit Renee so that Jason could come for the ultrasound and the results. We didn't have to wait because sadly during the ultrasound Jason could see that the baby indeed had no heartbeat. When the tech stepped out to consult with the radiologist Jason told me that there was no heartbeat. I know I believed him but I must have been in denial. I didn't cry. I suppose I was hanging on a thread of hope. We went back to our bed in the ER and then the Dr. came a bit later and told us that indeed the baby had died and was only measuring 9 weeks 5 days....not 12 weeks 3 days. When he stepped out the tears flowed. It was real now. My baby was dead and there was nothing I could do about it. I passed the baby that evening at home and not knowing what to do I placed the body in the fridge. Our first baby was lost at 7 weeks and we had a private burial and ceremony for the baby. I didn't know what would happen this time. Jason asked me if I wanted him to open the sac so I could see the baby but I said no. I regret that now and wish I had seen the baby and seen the little fingers and toes. But what use is regret? The next day I started to have horrible labour contractions and had to go to the hospital. It turned out that I was delivering the placenta. The pain lasted about an hour but the doctor said that a small piece of placenta had remained in my womb and so now I would have to take a pill to help stimulate contractions. After about 72 hours the pill did it's job and now I am hoping that the physical side of this is over so that I can process the emotional loss. The baby's body and the placenta were sent to the lab for genetic testing to determine any cause for the miscarriage. I am thankful for that but sad that because of that I cannot have my baby's body back. They will not give it to you once you send it for testing. I am really sad about not seeing or holding the baby. The good news is that we had an ultrasound done at 9 weeks and they have a CD for me with pictures of the baby. I'm happy about that. I have to go pick it up on Monday. We were so overjoyed that day when we saw our little peanut.....the heart was beating so strong......168 per minute. I wish I knew what went wrong....I hope the testing gives us an answer. I know it's not my fault but I still feel that I could have done something to stop it. Why didn't someone says something to me when the baby was measuring small at that first ultrasound? Why didn't the suspect something was wrong and if so could have they have done anything about it? Probably not. A few days ago we went to the big oak tree where our first baby was buried and we just spent some time praying and reading The Bible. It was comforting but also brought back the pain of the first baby we lost. I know that I have two children in heaven but it still just hurts that they are not here. And now I have all these crazy fears that I could lose Renee too. You never think you will have two miscarriages and so now it seems like maybe all of the unthinkable things will happen to me. I try not to think about it but I have to admit it's hard to not worry that Renee or Jason or me will get sick or die. I mean.....God says his grace is sufficient but that doesn't mean that your spouse or child won't die...........so it's hard to find comfort in that. I keep trying though because I know that He is true. I have no idea what will happen with our family at this point. I don't know about getting pregnant or adopting.......all I know is that we love children and one day pray that we can have more.....by birth and by adoption.